


Mother Dead and Dearest

by FallenKy



Series: At Least You had a Relationship with Mom. [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: But I just got really pissed off with this past episode, Dead Mary Winchester, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Technically a coda to 14x18, doesn't reference anything but it did heavily inspire it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 08:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18517630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenKy/pseuds/FallenKy
Summary: Mary's dead. Sam still never got that apology.





	Mother Dead and Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> I want to scream. Mary is one of the few characters who can get me to finish an episode and immediately write out my irritation to completion. Anyway, I'm upset that this wasn't talked about in more detail with them bringing Mary back and then milking out her death as just the worst thing to ever happen so here's my little rendition from Sam's perspective. Sam deserves better 2k19.

Dean hits the chair against the wall and Sam flinches.

He knows how this is going to go down, can already see the rage and sorrow boiling up under Dean’s skin in his signature pattern of grief. It’s familiar in a strange way, something tangible that Sam can grab onto when their world feels like it’s completely adrift. He knows how this is going to go. Knows how Dean is going to mourn, with the violence and the drinking and the self hatred. Knows that even though Dean will never admit it, it will go unspoken that Sam’s loss doesn’t compare.  

While Sam has just lost his mother Dean has lost his very symbol of existence. For the second time. His perfect mother, perfect woman, perfect hunter.

They find the body and Sam’s head is swirling, staring at the still corpse as Dean cradles it close. It’s just a shell, an echo of the thing that was once their mother and he mourns it but he has no desire to cry over it. He kneels next to Dean instead, a steady hand on his shoulder to hold him up, ground him back in the present. It might not help but Sam will be damned if he’s going to have his brother suffer through this alone.

He’s pretty sure he should feel more guilty about it as he watches Dean tenderly handle the body. He’s more concerned with Jack, worried about where the kid was- what he was thinking. He feels the loss of his mom but it’s just not that painful. It sits like a cut, tender to the touch but healing and he has no worries that given enough time it will heal right back up, good as new.

Dean’s claim of wanting to resurrect Mary back at the shack had left a bad taste in his mouth. Their mother, who had already been brought back once, was going to go the third round on resurrection? Not that the two of them were ones to talk but it just seemed a little overkill. The pain in their Mom’s eyes when Dad had to leave after the whole incident with the pearl had been proof enough. He can’t imagine what dragging her away from a peaceful rest would accomplish. She was a decent woman who had a shit hand dealt to her but earned her place there and Sam’s proud to be her son.

And it wasn’t like she was ever happy here anyway.

It’s a private thought, and not one he would ever in a million years share with Dean. Dean who practically glowed every single time their mother called and he got to see ‘mom’ light up on his phone screen. Dean who would eat every bite of whatever random takeaway Mom happened to bring home and slap in front of him like a home cooked meal. Dean who still hugged her three years later like she was a second away from disappearing, taking in the smell of her hair and strength of her hug.

Sam can’t imagine the kind of pressure Mom was under to try and live up to the ghost Dean had put on a pedestal. He gets it, after a few years of navigating this weird relationship he gets why she had to distance herself. Why she still had to occasionally drop off the radar every so often. He’s proud of her for adjusting, proud of her for trying to create a relationship with them as adults despite how much easier it would have been to just run. But that didn’t mean she succeeded.  

Mousetrap is still set out in the library and Sam wants to laugh at the irony. ‘Dean’s favorite game when he was little.’ He can practically hear her commenting when she pulled it out of the shopping bag before he went to get pizza. The urge to shout at her in that moment had been almost overwhelming, the bubbling edge he always felt in their interactions rising to the surface in the intrusive thoughts, ‘He’s almost forty! You do realize he’s not an actual four year old!’

But Dean had been pleased so what does Sam know? Except he does know. He knows his brother more than anyone else and knows Dean would have enjoyed a night of all of them playing poker a hell of a lot more than humoring their mom over some kid’s game nostalgia he’d bet Dean mostly has to take Mom’s word on anyway.  

But it’s not Sam’s business. Dean and Mom bonded over a shared four years of memories and the dedication and patience that came with Dean’s trophy worship. He can’t relate and stopped trying to in that first year. Mom wasn’t interested in getting to know her sons as adults beyond their hunting capacity and Sam wasn’t about to start faking a familiarity with the memories of the first six months of his life just to catch her attention.  

He does have some. Perks of Lucifer cracking his mind wide open to play around in all the deepest pits of it had brought forward long forgotten snippets. A brush of gold hair and the sweet smell of mint that he now recognizes as his mother is there but mostly it’s Dean. Dean kissing his head goodnight, Dean crawling into his crib, Dean feeding him in a highchair. Dean. Dean. Dean. And that’s the way he prefers it.

They bonded over hunting which is nice, at least useful in offering her a second opinion on hunt logistics. He cherishes those memories as positive ones of her talking with him as an adult and the pride in her voice as she also recognized him as her son. 

The rest of their interactions generally involved Dean. What was wrong with Dean, what Dean had been up to, and mostly asking Sam where Dean was and if she could talk to him. Ironically, Sam figures that is probably what he sounds like to other people.

He doesn’t hold any of that against her, was perfectly fine with navigating the strange relationship they all had together. But while Dean might remember the perfect saint and probably always will, Sam is less forgiving.

He’ll never forget staring across from her at the table as she announced she was working with the British Men of Letters. The righteous jut of her chin such a familiar echo of Dean that he knew exactly how right she thought she was. How little Sam’s torture meant.

They’d gotten better, her hugs warmer and embrace something he can have without flinching but that pressing issue is always right under the surface.

When Michael possessed Dean had hadn’t even expected her to be there when he got back. She was though, fully on board with the game plan to try and get Dean back. He used to stay up though, wondering that if Michael did kill Dean, in the interim of Sam killing Michael and then joining him, would she have even stuck around? 

He remembers the conversation about Jack though, remembers her comment on parenting. _“Glad I’m not the only one with parental guilt.”_

He’d thought it had been a turning point, had been waiting for the big drop that would finally clear the weirdness that was always just underneath their interactions. _“How much did the two of you go through … “_

He takes a deep breath, preparing.

_“… when I wasn’t there for you?”_

What? His thoughts grind to a halt, trying to even wrap his head around what she was talking about. Not there for us? They had an entire family there for them when she wasn’t. What would have changed having Mary Winchester there? She’s barely there for them when the world isn’t ending.

He bites his lip hard, forcing himself to remain loose despite the instinct to curl his fingers into fists. Nothing makes Mom close down quicker than someone offering an alternative opinion.

They never had a relationship like the one she shared with Dean for exactly that reason. Because no matter what went on between them Sam doesn’t just offer sweeping forgiveness because Mom had a hard day. Because when she brings up this conversation she knows exactly what is going unspoken between them and it’s a subtle reminder to Sam that she’s only ever played the suffering mother who was victimized by demons, fate, and the cage that was the hunting community.

‘You killed Jessica.’ He thinks as he stares at her body. ‘You drove Dad insane. You gave me over to Azazel. You made Dean sell his soul. You let him be tortured in Hell. You locked me in the cage with Lucifer. You never had to make that deal – ‘ 

He cuts himself off before he can keep going. It’s disrespectful to speak ill of the recently dead.

So he’ll comfort Dean because that’s what he’s good at and seeing Dean cry over their mom hurts him more than looking at her body ever will. 

And that’s okay. He thinks she’d understand if the positions were reversed. 


End file.
